


Broomsticks and Lies

by twztdwildcat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Post Hogwarts AU, Puns & Word Play, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 03:56:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12356922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twztdwildcat/pseuds/twztdwildcat
Summary: Hermione and Oliver find themselves with the same problem but for different reasons. In order to escape the negative attention of a certain beetle they decide to fake a relationship!





	Broomsticks and Lies

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [RollAPrompt2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/RollAPrompt2017) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Entry #4 Claim Only
> 
> Hermione Granger/Oliver Wood  
> Fake at First Romance

Hermione screamed in rapture as an orgasm ripped through her. She could feel Wood shudder his release beneath her and they both panted as their bodies came down from their peak. Looking down at him through her unruly curls that had come undone she breathily asked, "Why the bloody hell haven't we done this sooner?"

He chuckled and pushed her hair away from her face, "I don’t know love, but we are definitely doing this again. In about fifteen minutes!" She laughed in response and the vibration did pleasurable things to him.

She leaned forward in his lap as he wrapped his arms around her securely to keep them both in the plush office chair they were settled in, while they both relaxed and hummed in contentment. Almost dozing off, Hermione couldn't help but think back on how she wound up in such a pleasurable position.

\--------------------------------------------------------

6 months earlier

Hermione screamed in frustration and blasted the Daily Prophet into bits that had formerly been laid out on her kitchen table for perusal over breakfast. Unfortunately the last bit of her breakfast got caught in the crossfire, and the owl that had been eating the treats from a bowl on the counter hooted in indignation and retreated from the quaint house. As the witch finished getting ready for work, she reviewed what parts of a beetles could be used in medicinal potions and wondered if anyone would actually miss the annoying reporter.

Rita Skeeter had been the bane of Hermione's existence for a decade now, but especially since her breakup with Ron not very long after the Final Battle. She had gone through an accelerated version of her final year of schooling that she had missed while on the run and went straight into Healer training that fall. Ron hadn't been able to deal with not having enough of her time and attention and the relationship quickly fizzled out when he realized just how different their goals were. Since then she had very rarely dated because even a coffee with a friend became front page news. Now, instead of Skeeter speculating on her love life she was concentrating on her lack of a love life and how she was going to die a lonely spinster.

If she'd paid more attention to below the fold she would have seen that another former classmate was having a hard time with the reporter too, but for the complete opposite reason. He couldn't seem to keep away from the ladies. Hermione would have scoffed at the headline if she'd actually read it. " _Wood Can't Keep His Wood In His Pants!_ " Which alternated with another title of " _Wood's Broomstick and It's Many Notches!"_

Elsewhere in England, Oliver Wood was scoffing at the headlines, "It's not like I've had that many women! Bloody hell, you go on a few dates and suddenly you're a man whore!" He was still in a huff about the whole ordeal during practice that day, and missed dodging a bludger to the face and wound up in St. Mungo's when he didn't easily regain consciousness after a brief treatment from the team healer.

Hermione was concerned about her latest patient when it took five high powered Ennervates to revive him fully and decided to keep him for observation and a dose of Skele-Gro for the slight fractures in his skull. Since she had nothing better to do than paperwork that night she told the Mediwitch on duty to go monitor the rest of the floor while she monitored Wood's intracranial pressure and applied spells as needed.

After a brief nap and a Pepper-up Potion she was ready to start her day and of course was first bombarded with floo calls from the team manager, captain, owner, and also Wood's family. She reassured them that he would be fine, but would be out of commission for at least a week to make sure he was fully healed. Each said they would be by for a visit once he was fully conscious and ready for visitors in a few days. Hermione planned on keeping him in a potion induced coma for the first couple days because she found patients with as severe a concussion as he had tended to be the most troublesome. Quidditch players especially seemed to hate staying cooped up in bed.

Two days into his enforced stay at the hospital Hermione took him off the coma potion and he woke within a couple hours. She'd taken to filing her reports while watching the handsome wizard sleep, inexplicably drawn to his presence and the peace and quiet of the room. When he sat up with a gasp and the heart monitor spell started going crazy Hermione abandoned her stack of paperwork and rushed to place a mild calming spell on him before he passed out from shock. "It's okay, Oliver, you're in St. Mungo's. You took a particularly hard bludger to the head the other day and we had to keep you in a coma for a couple days while you healed. Just breathe, here match my breaths." He slowly calmed down as he evened his breathing to follow that of the pretty healer. He vaguely recognized her and thought he should know her, but the turquoise healer robes and severe up-do of her hair made him a bit confused.

"Thank you, Miss…?" he trailed off questioningly.

With a smirk Hermione responded, "Healer Granger, Mr. Wood."

"Granger, Granger why does that sound so familiar?"

"I'm not surprised you don't remember me, you were a few years ahead of my in school. I'm sure you remember Harry better."

Wood's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! Granger! I remember you now! Oh I feel like such a moron, how could I forget the prettiest part of the Golden Trio?"

Hermione scoffed, cheeks blushing a tinge. "Ugh I hate that name."

He ducked his head, "Sorry, Granger."

"It's okay, how are you feeling?"

He looked at her, a wry smile tugging at his lips, "Like I took a bludger to the head."

"Er, good point, but I meant is there any lingering pain? Dizziness? Double vision?"

"Nah, nah, I feel fine. When can I leave?"

He was trying to get out of the bed so Hermione gently but firmly pushed him back down. "When I say so Mr. Wood."

Frustrated he cooperated and soon fell back asleep, much to her amusement.

 

 

Another two days into his stay at the hospital both were featured again on the front page of the Prophet. Wood's blood pressure rose alarmingly and Hermione's was right behind as they sat in the room reading their individual papers.

"I can't believe that woman!" each snarled at the same time, then blinked at each other in surprise.

"Lemme guess, Rita Skeeter?" he asked with his lilting Scottish accent. She nodded her affirmation while setting the paper ablaze once again. "You shouldn't let her bother you so much, at least she's not writing that you’re a broomstick that everyone's had a ride on."

Hermione bit her lip to keep from chuckling. The puns about Wood's "broomstick" were a common theme in the articles about him that she had started noticing more, and as his physician she could testify through her thorough physical when he was admitted that it was a rather impressive specimen, not that raging thestrals would drag that thought from her into the open. Coughing a bit to clear the giggle from her throat, "Well, yes, but she has in the past. I just haven't dated in so long she's determined to portray me as a lonely spinster that no one wants. The sad thing is that her campaign has actually been effective."

"No way!"

"Unfortunately, yes. I'm not particularly interested in dating at the moment, but I was chatting up a nice looking bloke in the bookstore the other day and once he heard my name he did a 180 and said 'Oh, you're that desperate spinster the paper keeps talking about! Say how about we put those rumors to rest?' At which point I smacked him and stormed out of the store."

Oliver was laughing at that point, much to Hermione's annoyance. "Sorry, sorry, it's not funny, but it kind of is. Just what did you do to earn her wrath?" Hermione mumbled quietly and he repeated his question.

With a clear voice and a defiant look in her eye, she said, "I kept her in a jar the summer after my fourth year to teach her a lesson."

Wood looked shocked, then burst out laughing till his sides hurt. "Oh my gosh, I totally believe it. You were a feisty thing back in school. I remember hearing that you set Snape on fire during Harry's first game!"

Hermione was shocked he remembered much of anything about her from school, and only a tiny bit embarrassed that that incident had been brought up. "Well I thought he was cursing Harry's broom, I could hardly let him get away with it, could I?"

"Hey, I'm not objecting. We won, which was all that mattered to me at the time."

Narrowing her eyes at him she hissed, "Yes, I clearly remember a number of times you didn't keep the well being of your team in mind."

"Now, now, now, I'm not as crazed as I was back then…mostly."

She huffed and gathered her paperwork. "Well I'm done with my morning paperwork, I'll be back to run your afternoon scans later. Try not to get too worked up over that article." As she was leaving, she murmured to herself, "It's a shame I can't dissect that damn beetle…"

He chuckled at her muttering as she left the room and made himself comfortable in bed and flipped to the sports section. He greatly admired the witch and was more than slightly attracted to her. Why she couldn't find a date, much less a steady boyfriend was a mystery to him. Suddenly he sat up as a lightbulb went off in his head. Oh he couldn’t wait for Granger's afternoon rounds!

 

 

That afternoon she eyed him suspiciously because he looked so eager and was sitting so patiently while she ran her scans, yet she could tell he was bursting about something. "Okay, what is it?"

"Go out with me!"

"What!?" She squawked. She barely managed to land in the chair by the bed in her shock. "What in Merlin's name are you saying!?"

"I said, go out with me! It'll solve both our problems with Rita!"

As he elaborated, her expression went from incredulous, to curious, to scheming. "You know, that could actually work."

He looked smug that she agreed with him. "Of course it will work. I know you don't want to actually date anyone, so it could be a fake relationship, say six months? That should be long enough to get the press off our backs about our love lives and give Rita a chance to find other gossip."

Hermione kept a straight face as she left a stab to her gut. 'Of course he wants it to be fake, why would you think someone like Oliver would actually want to date you Hermione?' She kept her negative thoughts to herself and just smiled brightly at him. "That's brilliant!"

He thought he saw a flash of something on her face before it disappeared, but was so excited about his plan that he didn't think on it much.

"I think we should set some ground rules, though."

"Oh?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." She was already thinking of ways to protect her heart because she could imagine it would be all too easy to fall for the charming Keeper. "First, six months like you said, then no dramatic breakup, just an amicable parting." At his nod she continued. "Second, no unnecessary physical contact. Obviously some outward affection will have to be faked in public, but only in private when the need arises to keep cover." He ignored the twinge in his gut about the idea of affection being faked but nodded again.

He interrupted, "You have to come to my matches."

Slowly, she nodded, "Fine, as long as my work schedule permits. But you also have to come to any hospital benefits. Also, for image keeping we should probably make at least one public date every other week-"

"Every week, we don't want anyone to catch on."

"Fine, weekly dates in public. Also, no one finds out this is fake. We don't let on to anyone, not even our friends." She didn't want to see the pity in their eyes when they realized she had to fake being in a relationship.

He didn't love the idea but didn't fight it either, It made sense. Although he wasn't sure why he was suddenly so bothered about the idea of it all being a fake considering he was the one who suggested it to begin with. "Deal, do you want to sign a contract or something?"

"No, nothing that will leave any proof. I do think we should take a magical vow, though. Nothing so serious as an Unbreakable Vow, but something to keep us in check if we forget something. Also, no cheating. I know it's not a real relationship but I will not be just another notch on your broomstick, Wood." She was half glaring at him and he puffed up.

"That's mostly garbage anyways! I haven't been with half as many women as the paper says-"

"Well it's still more relationships and casual flings than I've had, and I'm not going to let either of us, particularly myself be portrayed as a hussy by that conniving cow."

He set his jaw and agreed to the final detail, thinking to himself that he was either going to wind up wanting to kill her after six months or marry her. Secretly he would prefer the latter because he'd been sporting a bit of a crush on his healer during his stay, not that he'd ever admit it willingly.

They both shook hands and a glow settled over them.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

Both lovers came out of their slight post-coital glowing doze and smiled sheepishly at one another. "So, er, does this mean we're not fake dating anymore?" The sandy blond Scotsman looked so shy despite having a naked witch in his lap while a loud party went on in the ballroom down the hall.

Looking into his gorgeous eyes she smirked, "Oh we're not dating." When he tried to hide a frown she bit her lip and brought her left hand in front of his face, a ring catching the little light in the room. "We're so much more than dating and I refuse to be in a fake marriage. So if you're having second thoughts speak now."

"Oh Merlin no! I've been in love with you for months Hermione!"

A warmth filled her at the confession. "I've been in love with you, too, for months. But I was convinced you didn't feel the same and just wanted to keep up the pretense."

"I was worried you'd say no when I asked. We'd gotten so close and then the last couple weeks you seemed so distant…"

She smiled sadly, "I thought our time was almost up and I didn't want to have my heart broken."

"That will never happen, love. You're stuck with me!"

She grinned and giggled a little when she left him twitch inside of her. "Oh it looks like Wood wants to go again hmm?"

He grinned wickedly at her, bucking his hips and causing her to gasp. "Oh honey you can have a ride on my broomstick whenever you want."

Laughing at his ridiculousness the pair soon fell into a breathless rhythm of kisses and rocking, completely forgetting about the party outside and just reveling in their new, real relationship.


End file.
